Saturday, January 14, 2017

I guess I was wrong about dating Kathleen Wilhoite

Well Wowlies, it looks like your hero, your mentor, the BFF of Johnny Depp, was wrong. It appears that I never actually dated Kathleen Wilhoite, even though I believed this to be true. Now some people, like that TROLL and TERRORIST Billy Jake will no doubt claim I am delusional. But I'm not! It was all a mistake. Like when I thought people had actually voted me the King of Splatterpunk, but actually I was being trolled.


And so it was with Kathleen. I was being trolled. Or maybe I was just confused. I thought I waas dating Kathleen Wilhoite. Now about directing Witchboard, that was just bullshit. No one would believe that crap besides maybe Derek Dung


It turns out I was actually dating Andy Dick in a wig! How dare that Billy Jake!


Eric Morse likes Dick
That doesn't even look like Kathleen!
I'm so embarrassed Wowlies.  But look at it from my point of view, I had never seen a vagina before. How was I supposed to know they didn't have penises. This explains why I couldn't fit my wiener inside his vagina and had to try his butthole, (she said no). I thought it was just because of my  girth!


Well I am sad knowing that I never really dated Kathleen but at least Harlan still loves me. Damn You Elbertson!


Friday, October 21, 2016

Celebrities waving at Jeanette

Hello Howlies! It's me, your old friend Eric Worse, 3 trillion time published author and King of Splatter pants! I just wanted to say hello to my legion of silent but deadly farts, er fans. As everyone knows, Johnny Depp is my close personal BFF, and I am his mentor and inspiration. Just like Harlan is my mentor and BFF, even though he doesn't remember me and has threatened to spank my bottom.

But some trolls and lowlife mental cases refuse to believe that I am friends with Johnny Depp. Well I don't have to prove myself to those tweeds. I do have proof mine you, I have a picture of Johnny Depp waving to my sister Jeanette. That's proof positive but I'm not showing it to you trolls. You will just use logic and science to call me a liar and say I shit my pants. In full disclosure I do lie and shit my pants quite often, but that's beside the point.

But anyway howlies, amusingly Johnny Depp isn't my only celebrity friend. So I decided to post my proof of these other celebrities. Rock hard solid, doodoo proof, that's right howlies, here are pictures of celebrities waving at Jeanette.


First up in Country and western singer Taylor Swift. As most of you howlies know I dated Taylor Swift for several years. Unfortunately she went to Europe to learn a different country to sing. While she was there she heard that someone in America had died, and naturally assumed it was me. When she found I was still alive she wanted to rekindle our romance but unfortunately the gap between her thighs wasn't wide enough for a stud muffin like myself. Still she is my soul mate and I have a tattoo of "Taylor" on my taint. I wonder if Taylor Lautner is busy?
Taylor Swift waving at Jeanette
Taylor Swift waving at Jeanette



Next up is my sexy BFF # 2, Brad Pitt and here he is waving at Jeanette. He's mad at me now because I made sexy time smooches with Angelina and she divorced him.
Brad Pitt waving at Jeanette
Brad Pitt waving at Jeanette



Well Howlies, I bet you didn't know I was great friends with the president of the United States Barry Obama. You see he needed help writing his State of the Union. He wasn't a big fan of America and needed help to knock it out. My good friend Joe Biden introduced us and we spent a week in a hotel room knocking things till he was finished, I mean till we were finished. Here is President Obama waving at Jeanette





Obama waves at Jeanette
Idris Elba waves at Jeanette

Next up is my good friend and director Derek Young. Derek Co wrote and directed my movie Psychoholoic States. We have shard many memories and dark bedrooms, swapping ideas and body fluids. Here is a picture of Derek waving at Jeanette.
Psychotic State director Derek Young waves at Jeanette
Derek Young waves at Jeanette

While Jeanette and I were walking, well she was walking I was riding my rascal, we ran into this young black man who insisted on waving at Jeanette. I started screaming for the police to come and shoot him, but he begged me to stop and said he was an usher or something. Well Howlies I have the utmost respect for ushers and other people in the entertainer field. I myself was once the assistant weekend nights associate concessions manager at a theater in my youth. So I pepper sprayed the hooligan and wished him well. Here is a picture of an usher waving at Jeanette.
Usher waves at Jeanette
An Usher waves at Jeanette
Here is my good friend and African American actress Jessica Alba waving at Jeanette. She is black isn't she howlies? Or something. I don't know but I do drool over her boobies. But then again I droll over a lot of things. Basically i just drool a lot, and shit myself. Here's Jessica Alba waving at Jeanette
Sexy Jessica Alba waves at Jeanette
Jessica Alba waves at Jeanette
I have been friends with Bobby D-Nero for a long, long time howlies. He truly is my mentor and BFF, and I taught him how to act. He taught me how to spit. Here's a picture of him waving at Jeanette. After the picture he punched Jeanette in the face for being a mook. I told Jeanette not to be a mook!
Robert Deniro waving at Jeanette
Robert Deniro waving at Jeanette

Even though he died back in 2012, my old friend horror Bob likes to come and visit me and post on Facebook.  The last time he brought the King of Pop Michael Jackson back with him. It seems the King of Pop wanted to meet the King of Splatterpunk so bad he broke though the gates of hell. Plus he heard I loved to hang around with pedophiles. See pedophiles go to hell David!!! However here is Michael Jackson waving at Jeanette.
Michael waves at Jeanette
Michael waves at Jeanette



Sunday, June 19, 2016

Star Trek fans hate me

Greeting Howlers!

It is I, 11,000 time published fan fiction author Eric Worse. Have you ever noticed that I don't post very often, aka ever, on Star Trek forums, pages or groups? Doesn't it seem strange that I, a man who write Star Trek 2 and 3, isn't begging for attention there like I do on the horror pages? Well there is a simple reason for that fans. They won't put up with my bullshit and lies. Oh my flipping God, why wont they just believe my lies like Derek does?

It just pisses me off that fans expect me to be honest. It's like those Friday the 13th fans that wont acknowledge that I saved the franchise. My books are cannon. Yes cannon, because they are too important for just one "n".


But honestly howeleries, that's why I commemorate my bullying and ranting in horror, but claim my biggest lies about science fiction. See if I claimed I directed or wrote Dawn of the Dead, all the horror fans would call me out. So I lie on horror boards about writing Star Trek. That way the hard core Trekkers won't call me out and laugh at me. Oh the ones who know of me still laugh at me, but it's on Star Trek boards. I don't go there. They actually know I'm full of shit and I'm probably banned from most of them anyway.

So I will stay here in the horror community. Surrounded by losers like Zernie, Derek and Baron Banjo, and the people who haven't figured out I'm full of shit yet.  I'll block and delete anyone who doesn't bow before me. Hell I deleted my own sister for being a bitch to me. Jeanette got the claws! Now I'm going back to the basement to eat left over birthday cake and play with my Batman toys. Who am I kidding, I never have left over cake. Time to buy a new one!

TTFN and remember, keep believing my lies or I'll ban you!

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

I am the Friday the 13th franchise

Hello howlies! Well there seems to be a lot of controversy, in some people's eyes about my Camp Crystal Lake novels. That's right some unknowing people, fans of the series supposedly, want to say that my novels aren't cannon. They even insist on spelling it canon, that's show how lacking they are in basic skills! Most probably don't even write in pros. To make it easy on these  fools I will spell it canon just for them!

Now on to the so called controversy, as everyone knows, your's truly Eric Worse, wrote four young adult (think Twilight without the sales) novels based on the Friday the 13th film franchise. These four books were published by Berkeley Books, and officially licensed and everything. This my friends, obviously make them canon. It doesn't matter that Jason doesn't actually appear in any of these four books. Inconsequential! Did the Death Star appear in the Stars Wars expanded universe! Those books were and always will be canon!!!! So too are the Camp Crystal Lake novels.

Not only that fans, I wrote a fifth camp crystal lake novel, The Mask of Jason. True it was not published by Berkeley, or officially licensed. It's still canon! The only reason it wasn't published by Berkeley was that it sucked and they said I had no talent beyond stalking and writing teen age fan fiction.

OK, so I wrote four fan fiction, err novels, all officially sanctioned and published by Berkeley. They were Mother's Day,  Jason's Curse, The Carnival, and Road Trip. Now, as stated Jason doesn't appear in any of these. But that wasn't my decision, it was the publisher, so I had to make due. I changed my direction and made the series about Jason's haunted hockey mask. In my series anyone putting on the mask becomes cursed by Jason's evil. Never mind the mask has never had any importance beyond cosmetic reasons. Never mind it didn't even appear til Friday part three and was stolen by Freddie in part nine. Details!

Then seven years after I returned from a mysterious exile (where was I howlies? I'm not telling...yet), I self published the last Camp Crystal Lake novel, the Mask of Jason Voorhees. Now usually I get upset when my books are called fan fiction, but this is pure fan fiction. In it I make an attempt to tie my first four novels into the film series (finally!) as well as the television series. Which is interesting since the series never had any connection, other than the name to the movies.. But Micki and Ryan were both hotties and I got a stiffie writing about them. Honestly this fan fiction book is closer to canon than any of the official novels I wrote.

But oh my flipping god, who cares. It's a cannon party, err canon and all my books should be canon! I am important. I'm more important to the franchise than people like Ka,,,, Uh, I probably shouldn't say his name. I think I made him made the last time and he's bigger than me. I was even mentioned in Crystal Lake Memories after I screamed and threw a tantrum.

So here's something Eric Worse almost never does. He's gonna get humble and shoot straight with you howlies. Eric aka William did write four sanctioned novels that many fans of the franchise really enjoyed, They came at a time, those dark days, when it looked like Jason might be gone forever. They made some of the fans very happy and I deserve credit for that. It's not my fault that Berkeley tried to go the young adult route and the novels failed to reach a wide audience.

Were the books good or utter shite, that's up to the readers to decide. Financially it was a bit of a raw deal for Old Eric but I accepted that deal, on the hopes it would lead to greater things. It didn't. That's life, especially in entertainment. You either accept that and roll with it or become bitter. I chose to become bitter. I demanded respect and attention that I hadn't earned. I was loud. obnoxious and hateful.  I could have moved on, finished my other novels, other projects and I would have earned some amount of attention and respect. I could have attended a few conventions, made a few new fans and who knows? But I made a bitter bed and I lay in it, and woke to a bitter life.

I hated anyone who attained success that I thought I deserved. I did favors, not  out of the good of my heart but expecting a recompense. At some point I became delusional. I made up famous girlfriends, I misread the affections of others. I made enemies, then turned my friends into enemies. Now I'm just a punchline, a meme subject. I could have been welcome at Friday reunions, but no legitimate convention will have me.

Even now I could start being honest. I could apologize to the Soskas and others, without expecting an apology in return. I could ask for forgiveness and not care if forgiveness was given back, I could change simply because it's the right thing to do, not for them, but for me. I could start over even this late in life. Would people still laugh? Some, but some would start to respect me. Some might come to like me. I wouldn't be just a footnote. I would have a legacy, not as a bitter, angry lion, but as a human being who was a decent person, and who wrote a handful of books that made people happy.
That's a hell of a legacy.

You should accept that legacy William.


Saturday, June 11, 2016

50 horror writers who are better than me

Well fans, I your cowardly lion Eric Morse, err Worse, demand to be recognized as one of the 50 greatest horror writers of all time. Why? because I am a 7 time published author of horror and science fan fiction! Even though my first four novels didn't sell and are out of print, and Berkeley wants to forget they ever existed, and now Linkville has pulled all my new novels, which technically makes me a 7-3 time published author. I think. I really get confused when dealing with numbers and words and letters and punctuation................ But still my fat, I mean huge volume of work qualifies me for this honor! Vote for me or I'll bang my head and cry, and probably shit myself!
William Pattison aka Eric Morse sucks
Billy Jack is a better horror author than William Pattison


Anyway, one of my imaginary friends challenged me to list 50 horror writers who are better than me. IMPOSSIBLE!! So impossible that I'm doing this challenge with no notes, off the top of my head with no prep. Here we go

1. Bram Stoker
2. Mary Shelley
3. Robert Louis Stevenson
4.Sheridan J Lefanu
5. Tanith Lee
6. Anne Rice
7. H.P. Lovecraft
8. Edgar Alan Poe
9. Clive Barker
10. Stephen King
11. Dean Koontz
12. Peter Straub
13. Whitley Strieber
14. August Derelith
15. Brian Keene
16. Poppy Z Brite
17. Richard Matheston
18. Robert Bloch
19. Richard Christian Matheston
20. Edward Lee
21. Joe Lansdale
22. Algernon Blackwood
23. Ray Bradbury
24. Shirley Jackson
25. Ambrose Bierce
26. Arthur Machen
27.Richard Laymon
28. William Peter Blatty
29. Joe Hill
30. Brian Lumley
31. H.G. Wells
32. Bentley Little
33. Jack Ketchum
34. Daphne Du Maurier
35.Thomas Harris
36. Harlan Ellison- My mentor!
37.F. Paul Wilson
38. Frazer Lee
39. James Herbert
40. Ramsey Campbell
41. Dan Simmons
42.Clark Ashton Smith
43. Robert McCammon
44. John Ajvide Lindquist
45. Scott Smith
46. John Skipp
47. Tim Lebbon
48. Bryan Smith
49. Michael Laimo
50. J.F Gonzalez
  That was actually pretty easy. Why don't you, my 400 loyal fans help me add to this list? I'm sure all of you can come up with a horror author who's better than me! Leave  your selection in the comments. To be honest, any horror author who isn't me is better than me, and I'm working on moving past me.
Damn you Elbertson this is your fault! You Tweed! It's because of you that I suck as a writer!

The Lion gets the boot, no claws in sight

Well Howlies, it isn't easy being a mentally unstable fan fiction writer. This last week, yours truly, the cowardly lion of horror fan fiction got fired from Linkville press. Yes, I know just a couple weeks back I was bragging about how I couldn't be fired. Whoopsie. My bad.



Well it happens to the best of us and now it has happened to the worse. I bare no anger toward them, as any legitimate business would fire me as soon as possible. I'm just shocked and disgusted they associated with me this long! Being an online business helped as they weren't forced to share an office with me after I shit myself. Damn you Soskas! Because of course everything is their fault. If they had just called me on my birthday my sphincter would be functioning properly

So I got fired, and it's mostly that evil Billy Jack's fault, troll! Rumor has it that he posted over 10,000 comments on their Facebook page in five minutes.  The pain of having to delete and block one angry troll with maybe 3 fake accounts was way too much trouble to justify  keeping me and my nonexistent book sales. Even though I don't blame Linkville this sets a horrible precedent. Now that the trolls see they have this power they could do it again, and again.

But that's the reason they fired me, Eric Worse, don't believe those plagiarism rumors.  Even though I admitted, over and over to stealing the idea of Robert Diablo. Even though I actually printed the fact that I stole it inside the book. Even though Robert Diablo was pulled almost immediately from Amazon, it's all coincidence, I would never steal anything!! Well I did steal the name of my blog, the idea of Artists in horror, my pen name, several minutes from Color of Night and lied about my writing credits, my dating Kathleen Wilhoite, I would never steal!!!!


Now dear fans, don't get upset that Robert Diablo is gone, you can still get a copy of Psychotic State:The Novel for only 45 dollars in paper back. It's a steal, but I don't steal! If you are really desperate for toilet paper and are allergic to Charmin it's perfect for you! It's already full of shit, but it can take even more.

I'm sure all 400 of my fans are rushing to Amazon.com right now to buy a copy, All 400 of my fans. Did you know that 400 fans demanded I call myself King of Splatterpunk? Did you know that over 20 employees of the San Mateo courthouse demanded I wash my underwear? Of course I have no clue who, or where those 400 fans are. They sure don't bother coming to my defense when the trolls attacked. As a matter of fact, those 400 fans don't bother liking any of my status', commenting, sharing my links, or buying my books. What the fuck 400 fans?!!? Somebody say something! Billy Jack floods linkville and I don't get one post of support! Am I delusional? OK that's a trick question, I'm as nutty as a red velvet fruit cake

Like I say howlies, it's been a bad week. I got fired. That damn Billy Jack is letting people know that my ex buddy The Eye knows I'm a lying stalker, Bobby Livingston is following me around San Mateo, that Damn Elbertson is flying around to conventions asking me stupid questions, Dani Carnage keeps making blogs exposing my lies, and Eric Hyde keeps correcting my stupid mistakes! All that and the local Target is out of XXX depends extra absorbent!

I really hope next week gets better. Maybe those 400 fans will suddenly appear and make themselves known. Or at least buy a book


Sunday, May 8, 2016

All My Imaginary Friends Are Coming Over Tonight

William Pattison Birthday of knives part two
Dinner at William Pattison's house


Hello Howlies! It's me your old pal 79 time published author Eric Woriss, Well my new blog, Eric Worse Undercooked has been a huge hit. It's probably the best thing that has happened to me since someone made a crappy Youtube movie out of one of my shitty books. Not that I'm complaining, I didn't give them much to work with. You can't make a chocolate mousse out of dog turds Howlies, but I'd sure eat it anyway.


William Pattison aka Eric Morse and his pretend friends
Yes Rebekah, my friends are really real- William Pattison before leaving for Epic Con

So anyway I decided to celebrate this last, in a long line of success by having a party and inviting all my friends over. Now I know a lot of you loyal readers and fans are saying, "Hold on King of Splatterpuk, remember what happened the last time!" Well I well remember the birthday of knives, the red birthday to all my Lord of the Rings fans out there.  This time will be different. This time I am only inviting the most loyal, the most trusting friends, the ones I made up. Yes it's an imaginary party! Bow who should I invite?

Of course I can't forget one of my best and most loyal friends Gerald Fitzgerald.  I created Gerald to help promote my book sales. As most fans of good literature know, my books are anything but good literature, They are barely literature at all. Nope Howlies, my books are badly written fan fiction aimed at a teen ago audience. So how do I combat this negative opinion that my books so richly deserve? I decide to make Gerald a college professor and have him "accidentally" discover my books.  Yes, One of Gerald's students brought one of my books to class, there's your first clue. No college student today would read my books. No college kid in the 90s would read my books! Gerald, a college professor exclaimed my books some of the best he had ever read.... Really. Steinbeck, Faulkner, King, Rice, Pattison.....as they say on Sesame Street "One of these things just doesn't belong here. Yes Howlies, old Gerald Fitzgerald is as fake as my love life.  If you don't believe me just look at his Facebook where he lists other names as "Fitz". The look up Fitz on Amazon's reviews.  It's me!! Surprise!! He even has pictures of British actor Robbie Coltraine as his profile! No you probably aren't that surprised.

William pattison aka Eric Morse aka Gerald Fitzgerald
William Pattison aka Eric Morse's Imaginary friend Gerald Fitzgerald


Speaking of love life, we can't forget to invite K, the love of my life. Now K is a real person. She is in fact Kathleen Wilhoite. I call her K because if she found out I was still stalking her she would get a restraining order against me. So instead of Kathleen, I will invite Zarabeth McGee, a fake account I made. You see Zarabeth was Kathleen's name in Witchboard, which I helped direct (please don't tell Kevin Tenney I said that, I cant afford to be sued!), and McGee was her last name in Murphy's Law. I created this fake profile because I was being super creepy online and she deleted me from Facebook. But I already told people we were dating! So I made up Zarabeth, and this story that she had gotten married (that part is true) but that she secretly still loved me, and her husband was jealous of me. So SHE made the Zarabeth profile so we could talk behind his back. It's all logical, what man wouldn't be jelly of this jelly avalanche? So Zarabeth is coming over!


Now we can't forget old Horror Bob aka Robert Masters. I created Horror Bob back in 2012 when Michelle Shields was still calling me a stalker. He helped defend me against those nasty Horror Socials who were already royally crossing the line.  I did a good job with Bob, I even created a fake wife for him, I created a blog and had him interview my friends. But all the interviews were done by email so no one ever met Bob, or even talked to him on the phone. And I kind of did too good of a job. I gave Bob a business, listed his school and date of graduation and birth date. All of these things can be checked out and those nasty trolls did! They royally crossed the line and found out Bob never owned a business, never went to school and there's no record of his birth or death. Damn you Elbertson, you TWEED!  They even found out his profile picture was a stock photo! The main problem is that I, Eric Morse, errr Eric Morriss, I mean  Eric Worse sometimes forget that Bob is dead and post as him on his Facebook.  So since Horror Bob is only kind of dead, and totally imaginary, he gets a party invite!

William Pattison aka Horror Bob
William Pattison aka Eric Morse aka Horror Bob aka Robert Masters

If Bob comes, I guess we should invite his wife Jennifer, and there grand daughter. There will be plenty of cake after all. Hopefully Bob won't have decomposed much. Worse case I'll just walk the neighborhood till I get hit with a dead raccoon or shit myself which should cover the smell.


Of course it won't be a party without my good friends Guadalupe Gonzalez. I saved Guadalupe from a vicious knife attack by her evil husband.  It's really a good thing I made all this up Howlies or I would have had my ass stomped and possibly my dick cut off! Sometimes imaginary friends are safer than real people. Guadalupe was horrible scarred in the attack, but I don't want some hideous bitch at my party, so I'll imagine her pretty, By the way Howlies, when I call women bitches, it isn't sexist, it's just how we talk in California.

Now my sister Jeanette and niece Brittany are real people. I think. Honestly Howlies, I lie so much I have a hard time keeping it straight. I think that since I do use their Facebook account to send people death threats and to stalk people, they should come to my party. Jeanette is still stalking Kathleen right now for Christs sake! Don't you dare tell her it will royally piss me off.


There are so many other fake accounts, James Cougar, John Margolis and more that even I have forgot Howlies. But they are all coming over tonight as Johnny Cash Jr sang

Do you want to drink? Do you want to party?
Well we wont be drinking because I am not a responsible adult and don't have the will power to drink responsibly. Why do you think I have to ride a bus Howlies? But we will party with a big sheet cake if I can scrape up enough money.