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| Dinner at William Pattison's house |
Hello Howlies! It's me your old pal 79 time published author Eric Woriss, Well my new blog, Eric Worse Undercooked has been a huge hit. It's probably the best thing that has happened to me since someone made a crappy Youtube movie out of one of my shitty books. Not that I'm complaining, I didn't give them much to work with. You can't make a chocolate mousse out of dog turds Howlies, but I'd sure eat it anyway.
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| Yes Rebekah, my friends are really real- William Pattison before leaving for Epic Con |
So anyway I decided to celebrate this last, in a long line of success by having a party and inviting all my friends over. Now I know a lot of you loyal readers and fans are saying, "Hold on King of Splatterpuk, remember what happened the last time!" Well I well remember the birthday of knives, the red birthday to all my Lord of the Rings fans out there. This time will be different. This time I am only inviting the most loyal, the most trusting friends, the ones I made up. Yes it's an imaginary party! Bow who should I invite?
Of course I can't forget one of my best and most loyal friends Gerald Fitzgerald. I created Gerald to help promote my book sales. As most fans of good literature know, my books are anything but good literature, They are barely literature at all. Nope Howlies, my books are badly written fan fiction aimed at a teen ago audience. So how do I combat this negative opinion that my books so richly deserve? I decide to make Gerald a college professor and have him "accidentally" discover my books. Yes, One of Gerald's students brought one of my books to class, there's your first clue. No college student today would read my books. No college kid in the 90s would read my books! Gerald, a college professor exclaimed my books some of the best he had ever read.... Really. Steinbeck, Faulkner, King, Rice, Pattison.....as they say on Sesame Street "One of these things just doesn't belong here. Yes Howlies, old Gerald Fitzgerald is as fake as my love life. If you don't believe me just look at his Facebook where he lists other names as "Fitz". The look up Fitz on Amazon's reviews. It's me!! Surprise!! He even has pictures of British actor Robbie Coltraine as his profile! No you probably aren't that surprised.
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| William Pattison aka Eric Morse's Imaginary friend Gerald Fitzgerald |
Speaking of love life, we can't forget to invite K, the love of my life. Now K is a real person. She is in fact Kathleen Wilhoite. I call her K because if she found out I was still stalking her she would get a restraining order against me. So instead of Kathleen, I will invite Zarabeth McGee, a fake account I made. You see Zarabeth was Kathleen's name in Witchboard, which I helped direct (please don't tell Kevin Tenney I said that, I cant afford to be sued!), and McGee was her last name in Murphy's Law. I created this fake profile because I was being super creepy online and she deleted me from Facebook. But I already told people we were dating! So I made up Zarabeth, and this story that she had gotten married (that part is true) but that she secretly still loved me, and her husband was jealous of me. So SHE made the Zarabeth profile so we could talk behind his back. It's all logical, what man wouldn't be jelly of this jelly avalanche? So Zarabeth is coming over!
Now we can't forget old Horror Bob aka Robert Masters. I created Horror Bob back in 2012 when Michelle Shields was still calling me a stalker. He helped defend me against those nasty Horror Socials who were already royally crossing the line. I did a good job with Bob, I even created a fake wife for him, I created a blog and had him interview my friends. But all the interviews were done by email so no one ever met Bob, or even talked to him on the phone. And I kind of did too good of a job. I gave Bob a business, listed his school and date of graduation and birth date. All of these things can be checked out and those nasty trolls did! They royally crossed the line and found out Bob never owned a business, never went to school and there's no record of his birth or death. Damn you Elbertson, you TWEED! They even found out his profile picture was a stock photo! The main problem is that I, Eric Morse, errr Eric Morriss, I mean Eric Worse sometimes forget that Bob is dead and post as him on his Facebook. So since Horror Bob is only kind of dead, and totally imaginary, he gets a party invite!
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| William Pattison aka Eric Morse aka Horror Bob aka Robert Masters |
If Bob comes, I guess we should invite his wife Jennifer, and there grand daughter. There will be plenty of cake after all. Hopefully Bob won't have decomposed much. Worse case I'll just walk the neighborhood till I get hit with a dead raccoon or shit myself which should cover the smell.
Of course it won't be a party without my good friends Guadalupe Gonzalez. I saved Guadalupe from a vicious knife attack by her evil husband. It's really a good thing I made all this up Howlies or I would have had my ass stomped and possibly my dick cut off! Sometimes imaginary friends are safer than real people. Guadalupe was horrible scarred in the attack, but I don't want some hideous bitch at my party, so I'll imagine her pretty, By the way Howlies, when I call women bitches, it isn't sexist, it's just how we talk in California.
Now my sister Jeanette and niece Brittany are real people. I think. Honestly Howlies, I lie so much I have a hard time keeping it straight. I think that since I do use their Facebook account to send people death threats and to stalk people, they should come to my party. Jeanette is still stalking Kathleen right now for Christs sake! Don't you dare tell her it will royally piss me off.
There are so many other fake accounts, James Cougar, John Margolis and more that even I have forgot Howlies. But they are all coming over tonight as Johnny Cash Jr sang
Do you want to drink? Do you want to party?
Well we wont be drinking because I am not a responsible adult and don't have the will power to drink responsibly. Why do you think I have to ride a bus Howlies? But we will party with a big sheet cake if I can scrape up enough money.
